The 10 Commandments of Harmonious Relationships

I found this article by Mark Sichel, LCSW on the internet when I Googled making relastionships work. I think these are very interesting, but I wanted to make my own comments on them as well.

1. THOU SHALT THINK.
Think before you speak and react, especially if you know the potential for fireworks exists. Sometimes the words will only fan the flames and take you further away from your goal of resolution.
Men and Women think differently. Women over analyze and men are very I say it and I mean it.
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2. THOU SHALT CLEAN YOUR SPLEEN.
Write a brutally honest letter to your wife, husband or lover telling them all the bad feelings and thoughts you’ve ever had about them. Drop the letter into your personal “dead letter box”; and move on with a smile on your face.
I agree with this, sometimes all you need to do is clear your head and move on with the day.
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3. THOU SHALT NOT ARGUE WITH FEELINGS. THOU SHALT LEARN TO LISTEN, LISTEN TO LEARN.
Sometimes your wife needs to tell you how disappointed and upset she is with you. Sometimes your husband needs to go on a diatribe about how you “neglect” him. Sometimes your partner needs to express his or her resentment about the way you’ve treated them. You can’t argue with feelings. Listen when your mate expresses strong feelings. Rather than argue and try to insist that your partner shouldn’t be feeling what they’re feeling, understand that they ARE feeling that way and simply say, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Try to put yourself in their shoes and give them the empathy that you would want yourself.
This can be very difficult for any relationship. Hearing how you have made someone feel is not easy to hear but this is key to strengthening your relationship. If you and your mate can't do this your won't have good communication which is very important.

4. THOU SHALT UNDERSTAND THAT PRIVACY IS GOLDEN.
While a good relationship involves honesty, saying every single thing that comes into your mind and sharing every feeling is not conducive to true intimacy. Intruding into your partners every thought and feeling is not going to create greater togetherness. Create boundaries and set limits. You know how much contact you can take and how much will ignite your nuclear bomb.

5. THOU SHALT REMEMBER OCCASIONS AND EVENTS.
Remember birthdays and anniversaries. Buy a gift, or make one. This activity is not about spending money. This is a testament that your mate is making you the most important person in their life. Tune in to your partner’s unique likes and dislikes and acknowledge these in an emotionally generous manner. Whatever the occasion, a card and gift makes people feel remembered, and when people feel remembered they feel loved and closer to one another.
Even if it is a .99 cent card on Valentines Day, for women, a card saying how you feel is enough.

6. THOU SHALT NOT OVERREACT. EVER.
When partners feel neglected, they often will create a scenario that invites your overreaction. Overreactions cause all out wars. Don’t do it! If you want to win in your relationship, stay off the battlefield. Assess a dispute with your partner. Is it really worth fighting over? Sometimes couples will get lost in a war of words. Repeat to your self, “They’re only words.”
They are only words. They are only words. They are only words.

7. THOU SHALT BE POSITIVE, APPRECIATIVE, AND INTERESTED.
Sometimes people forget to focus on the positives in a relationship. Tell your wife how beautiful she is, tell your husband how good he looks. Express to your mate those things you appreciate about them. Reflect on ways in which you are grateful to be with the person you love. If you have difficulty knowing how to verbalize these attributes and organizing your thinking in this area, try Psybersquare’s “Appreciation List.”

8. THOU SHALT RESPECT THY MATE.
Treat your mate with respect and dignity. Don’t curse. Don’t hit below the belt. Do anything to avoid violence. Do not let familiarity breed contempt. When there’s a lack of harmony, use a polite and cordial stance in order to end the conflict. Learn your mate’s daily rhythms. If your wife is not a morning person, don’t bring up sensitive issues before she’s had her morning coffee. If your husband gets tired and cranky when returning from work, leave him alone to regroup for an hour or so and then tell him your mother’s coming to visit for a month. Respect is the sum total of all the accumulated small and large considerations that you afford your mate. Take them one at a time.

9. THOU SHALT REMEMBER: WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET.
Do not ever try to change your spouse more than they themselves would like to change. Partners are doomed to failure when they try to change each other. Accept your mate for who he or she is and rejoice in the fact that they accept you for who you are.
Never be in love with what they COULD be, be in love with what they ARE.

10. THOU SHALT UNDERSTAND THAT SHARED EXPERIENCES, INTERESTS AND COMPANIONSHIP BUILD RELATIONSHIPS.
When people have difficulty getting close with each other, they often try to talk their way through it. Sometimes all the talking in the world cannot replace having a good time with your partner. Make sure to spend time together. When there are children in your lives, make sure you guard your time together as a couple like a hawk. Get away for weekends together. Plan romantic dinners. Focus on intimacy, sensuality, and physicality. Take an interest in your partner’s interests; if your wife likes ballet get two tickets. If you’re a sports widow, make an effort to watch a game with your spouse. Two hours at the ballet won’t kill you; two hours at a hockey game won’t kill you. Rediscover each other as the friends you started off as.

As we all move forward to finding love or keeping your relationship healthy, I hope this helps and gives you good advice!

Much love and happiness,
The L GRL

Lusty Love

Is this Lust or is this Love?

I like to be in relationships in the beginning - the lust portion that you hope turns in to love. Most people do. Then someone farts, and the honeymoon is over.

True story. You have to love your significant other smelly farts and all. I cannot tell a lie. I would love to say that it icks me out when my boyfriend farts - but to tell you the truth - I can't help but laugh my heart out and look at him with the same warmth and love as day one - yup, he's still hot to me.

I like the love stage more. The still on edge, will never be too comfortable, could lose you tomorrow but comfortable enough where I don't have to sneak off to the bathroom on the other side of the house to go #2 and hope no one goes in after you.

Lust is fun when you aren't ready to find anyone. You aren't secure yet in your own skin or you just aren't ready. Lust hides within love - love is blind and sometimes ignorant. And when we are blind how do we not see what is right in front of our faces until after our hearts are broken or bank accounts are drained.

Some examples of blindness and what not to do:
You are dating a Dj. That has no manners, no responsibilities, and no retirement plan when they hit 40 and are too old for "in da club."

You are 30, a corporate graphic designer making $40K a year, live in an apartment and you can't afford McDonalds.

You are dating someone 25 years younger than you and you are a millionaire who swears you are in love - I mean, seriously?

You are meeting a girl for the first time, won't make a decision about what to do or where to go and you decide that your first date should be at Rubio's.

You make plans with a girl for a first date on a Friday night and you text her "hey" and continue a text communication for an hour never once mentioning the date, then the date never happens.

So lust and love. What I have learned - love can happen when you take lust out of the picture. In my own experiences of online dating I learned that love is great when you focus on what you have in common. Sometimes, you can't escape the bad dates, but all you have to do is find that one, perfect date.

If all else fails - lust will turn in to love - when all else fails, someone has to fart.

Love and happiness!
The LGRL
Your online dating profile writer